Charissa Jonghae Choi (5 days old) & Chase Jongmin Choi (10 days old)
(Please do not copy, download, or use any of these images)
May 9, 5:45 PM
As I reflect on Chelsea's life, I realize I have a lot to say. I hope to write a memoir to honor her service to the Lord. Her 12 days of life has touched so many people and have challenged so many people's faiths (Thanks to many of you for your notes of encouragment!). I can truly say that her life was not wasted, but that the Lord is using her for His glory...
...But I still cry a lot and I wonder why. So I often use this simple litmus test to examine my heart. "Would I rather have such and such, or Christ in my life?" In other words, "Would I rather have Chelsea alive with me: holding her, kissing her, feeding her, praying for her, singing to her, reading her God's word... ...or would I rather have Christ?"
At this stage of my grieving, I can honestly say I can't answer this question or I don't want to answer the question. I know the right answer is the latter, but my heart so much wants her with me. So we are in process... ...God is taking away the dross and will leave behind only pure faith in His Son. Pray especially for my wife, as she senses the pain much more deeply than I do.
Tears can be deceptive. Tears of rightful mourning is redemptive, bringing true healing & the ability to comfort others with the love of Christ. What does that look like? We should always cry over sin and the consequences of sin in this world. Through Chelsea, we should all learn that sin still has a pervasive hold on creation. Even Christ cried when Lazarus died, knowing full well that he would raise him from the dead. But Christ still cried, because the consequences of sin, that is death, should always lead us to tears. Why? Because that's not the way the world should be. All creation should work the way it was intended by bringing life and thus bringing God glory. But if we recognize Christ's healing power through our suffering, and more importantly through His suffering & consequent victory over sin, God will give us that peace beyond all understanding.
Tears for self-centered desires is destructive and leads to self-pity, self-centered guilt, and even death when the burden becomes too heavy. What does this look like? Remember the question? Would I rather have Chelsea or Christ? If I answer wholeheartedly Chelsea, then I will never receive healing, but will only pity myself & search for other ways to distract myself from the pain... Always examine your hearts when you are in suffering. Christ can heal you, but only if you acknowledge and worship Him.
Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. -Proverbs 4:23
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Hebrews 12:11-13
Lord, teach us to be ever faithful in our pain and to know that the passing of our daughter Chelsea has great significance and meaning in your plan of redemption. Continue to use her through the many lives she has challenged to serve and strengthen those who are weak and suffering. Do this so that all peoples can see that you alone bring meaning out of death. Do this so that the name of your Son, Jesus may be magnified. And be with me and my wife. Even though we love & miss our child, help us not to waste her life in self-pity, but may we glorify you and thank you for the time she was with us. And although this time is far from pleasant, help us not to sin against you, by desiring anything less or more than your son Jesus. We wait eagerly for the harvest of righteousness and peace. We pray to the God of comfort & hope... Amen.
Updates...
Both Chase & Charissa are two weeks old! We are thankful to our God. But we remind ourselves, if this was a marathon, then we're only at about the 5 mile mark. I can honestly say that it feels like we are running a marathon--without any training! It's too hard on our bodies and minds, but we have no choice... ...this is the race that the Lord chose for us.
Chase is doing well. He's been off his bloodpressure meds for 2 whole days! The doctor is confident that he has finally stabilized. Yeah! He has fed for the last 24 hours, 1 cc of mom's milk every 3 hours. They will increase his milk intake to 1.5 cc at 8PM tonight and gradually increase the intake as long as his little stomach can take it. Yeah again! One point of concern is the head ultrasound. He has a grade 2 intraventricular hemorrhage (IVH). It hasn't improved from last time. But the doctor says that these hemorrhages usually stop growing between 7-10 days after birth. So he doesn't see it getting worse. Grade 2 is mild enough that we would probably see no to minimun long term effects. They also tried to extubate him again. He still won't breathe on his own.
Pray that the Lord would continue to help Chase to eat well. Pray that his IVH would heal and drain quickly. Pray that he would breathe on his own soon...
Charissa still has bloodpressure issues. She's on 20mgm of dopamine and dobutamine, and 1.5 mgm of epinephrine (5mgm max for epinephrine). She's also getting hydrocortisone. The good news is that her bloodpressure seems to be stabilizing and the doctor is going to try to wean her off the bloodpressure meds again over the next 48 hours. Her head ultrasound was good. She barely has Grade 1 IVH. They had to look really hard to find it...
Pray that the Lord would stabilize her bloodpressure so that she would be able to eat! Pray that she would be able to breathe on her own soon...
Again, please feel free to post your words of encouragment. We truly covet them!
Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
-Proverbs 16:24
Under His Redemptive Discipline through our dear Chelsea,
Young, Yu Ran, Chase, Charissa
